Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Living With No Regrets

I contemplated blogging about this, because honestly it's something that I'm still struggling with, but then I thought "maybe, if I blog about what I'm currently dealing with, maybe it will help someone else in the future." So I'm going to give this my best shot.
First, I am a Christian, I know Jesus and I have a personal relationship with him.
However, that being said, I've never been good at witnessing.
I try to lead by example, but I'm still a sinner and I know I fall short time and time again.

My brother began dating a sweet girl in 2002. She was sweet, humble, kind, patient and beautiful. It wasn't long before she was going on family outings and spending the holidays with us. They dated for a good length of time, on and off, but she was always around and I guess part of me thought that she would always be around. I didn't think about how critical it would be to witness to her, because in my mind...there was always tomorrow.
She was killed in a car accident this past Saturday.
I will never know if she was saved.
While she was in a relationship with my brother she would call, come by, or email and we would talk and talk and I had no problem dishing out advice about their relationship, or other issues that were going on in her life.
We spent many moments together were I look back now and think "it would have been so easy to have witnessed then..." or "I should have said that when...". But I didn't.

As a Christian I believe in heaven and hell. I believe that while you may be one outstanding citizen here on earth, if you do not confess that you are a sinner and ask God for forgiveness, if you do not put your faith in Jesus, you will go to hell. That sounds so harsh and cruel...and maybe that is why I have a hard time talking about it. However, on the other hand, I also know how forgiving our Lord is and that all he really wants is for us to spend eternal life with him, in heaven.
Now why couldn't I have said all of this to Lexi when I had the chance? I don't know...all I know is I will carry this burden and regret for as long as I live. Now, I'm not saying I "know" she went to hell, I don't, I really don't know what was in her heart (because I never brought it up...) but because I don't know for sure, I'll always wonder and I'll hurt for her because of the unknown.

It is SOOOOO hard for our human minds to wrap around the thought of "eternity". We can not imagine what "eternity" REALLY means.

eter·ni·ty noun \i-ˈtər-nə-tē\
plural eter·ni·ties
Definition of ETERNITY
: the quality or state of being eternal
: infinite time
plural : age 3b
: the state after death : immortality
: a seemingly endless or immeasurable time

It seems that even Webster can not REALLY define what ETERNITY means.
It's just hard for us to grasp.

In the past three days I have cried, I have gotten really angry at God, I have questioned, I have sought advice, but above all I have struggled with regret...and let me tell you, it is NOT a good feeling.

I've decided that this will have to be a lesson, a hard lesson, but a lesson. I have vowed to work harder at speaking up about my beliefs. I'm scared...crazy, I know. However, I know that regardless of being scared of what others may think of me...having regrets is much scarier!
Someone can call me crazy for my beliefs and while that will sting...feeling like I let someone down in eternity hurts a LOT worse.
I will carry a scar on my heart for Lexi, and this may sound plain crazy, but I hope God uses this scar as a reminder, time and time again, that I should NEVER miss the opportunity to share his Word....because....you REALLY never know, when it will be too late.


The Dales said...

I have wondered the same thing since I heard the awful news...was she a Christian? Its hard not knowing for sure. I know that is what made Nana dying so easy, because she was saved just last year and I knew without a doubt she was in heaven. I hope God will comfort you and Chris. I know God doesn't want you to beat yourself up over this but just to learn from it. I can't believe she is gone, so soon. Life really is fragile and short. Maybe this can be a wake up call for her friends and family that may not know Jesus. I love you!

Meredith said...

Lindsey, I second everything Stephanie just wrote. My heart hurts too, because we didn't know. And I hurt that you carry this regret; may God comfort you.

I have loved ones who don't know Christ, who are even hostile about Him, and I will be inspired by this post.

(On a superficial note, you've never written so beautifully!)

Jonathan said...

Linds just know that it's ok to be scared and uncomfortable when talking about your faith to others. No matter how scary the situation is or how many times you get rejected from the one you are sharing with, God is smiling down on you!